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 Post subject: Jokes
PostPosted: Thu Apr 09, 2015 10:14 pm 
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friendly kitty
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I'll start.

This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience. It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud. This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint..it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullsh!t and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Thu Apr 09, 2015 11:37 pm 
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That explains it. :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Fri Apr 10, 2015 12:03 am 
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timid kitty

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That makes me wonder...

19+12+1+3+11+9+14+7=76%

Not bad, for slacking.


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Wed Apr 22, 2015 2:00 am 
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So there’s a child molester and a little boy walking into the woods.

The child molester and the little boy keep walking further and further, and it’s getting darker and darker, and they’re going deeper and deeper into the woods.

The little boy looks up at the child molester and says, ‘Gee, mister. I’m getting scared.’

And the child molester looks down at him and says, ‘You think you’re scared, kid? I have to walk out of here alone.’

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Wed Apr 22, 2015 9:16 am 
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bad kitty!
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LMAO!

Magura :)

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sun Feb 14, 2016 2:45 am 
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lil' hucker
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How do you make soup gold?

You add 24 carrots.


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Mon Apr 04, 2016 3:39 am 
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lil' hucker
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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Mon Apr 04, 2016 11:46 pm 
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big hucker

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^^ :lol: :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Tue Apr 05, 2016 3:16 pm 
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lil' hucker
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Last night, thieves broke into the Milton County, GA police department, and stole every toilet in the building.

The officers investigating the case have absolutely nothing to go on.


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Wed Apr 06, 2016 12:00 am 
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why did the chicken cross the road?

to show the opossum that it could be done


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Wed Apr 06, 2016 12:47 am 
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lil' hucker
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lol. I thought cuz...

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Wed Apr 06, 2016 10:16 am 
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yappin' kitty
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back at ya. You find a way to work her into EVERYTHING :lol:

net wurker wrote:
lol. I thought cuz...

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Thu Apr 07, 2016 4:04 am 
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lil' hucker
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net wurker wrote:
Last night, thieves broke into the Milton County, GA police department, and stole every toilet in the building.

The officers investigating the case have absolutely nothing to go on.

:lol: :lol: Rimshot!


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Thu Apr 07, 2016 4:05 am 
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lil' hucker
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net wurker wrote:
lol. I thought cuz...

Image

Heck I'd cross the road for that.


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Thu Apr 07, 2016 3:54 pm 
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lil' hucker
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Mookie, the "frayed knot" was hilarious!


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Thu Apr 07, 2016 4:56 pm 
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lil' hucker
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net wurker wrote:
Mookie, the "frayed knot" was hilarious!

Hahaha, I chuckled when I first saw that cartoon. :D


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Tue Dec 20, 2016 5:31 am 
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lil' hucker
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What do you call a snobbish criminal walking down stairs?

A condescending con descending.


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Wed Aug 02, 2017 5:07 am 
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lil' hucker
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Q: Why was the angle freezing?

A: It was less than 32 degrees.


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Wed Aug 02, 2017 1:20 pm 
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big hucker

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Took me second to get that one.........sheesh. :?

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sun Aug 06, 2017 6:44 am 
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lil' hucker
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norton55 wrote:
Took me second to get that one.........sheesh. :?

:D


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Mon Aug 14, 2017 7:55 pm 
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lil' hucker
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The grandparents of a 3 year old girl were babysitting. The parents being avid cyclists. The grandpa was sitting and taking his blood pressure. As he was squeezing and pumping up the blood pressure ball. The little girl says, "grandpa are you checking your air pressure?"


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Mon Aug 14, 2017 9:55 pm 
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lil' hucker
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DIRTJUNKIE wrote:
The grandparents of a 3 year old girl were babysitting. The parents being avid cyclists. The grandpa was sitting and taking his blood pressure. As he was squeezing and pumping up the blood pressure ball. The little girl says, "grandpa are you checking your air pressure?"

Ahhhh, what a cute kid.


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Tue Aug 15, 2017 1:04 am 
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big hucker

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Too funny.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Thu Nov 02, 2017 3:51 pm 
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lil' hucker
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This thread needs a bump and I’ve got just the ticket. ;)


A 12 year old boy living on a farm gets out of bed and walks down the stairs to the kitchen. Sits down at the kitchen table to an empty plate. He asks his mom, where’s breakfast?

His mother says he’s not getting any breakfast until he feeds the chicken, pig and cow.

The little boy stomps out of the house with an attitude. Stomps over and feeds the chicken, then kicks the chicken.

Stomps over and feeds the pig, then kicks the pig.

Stomps over and feeds the cow, then kicks the cow.

He then stomps into the house still with an attitude, plops his butt down at the kitchen table to an empty plate. He asks his mom, where’s my breakfast?

His mom says, you kicked the pig the chicken and the cow. No eggs bacon or milk for you young man.

About that time the father walks down the stairs and at the bottom kicks the cat.

The little boy looks at his mother and says, do you want me to tell him, or do you want to?


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sun Jan 14, 2018 7:35 pm 
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lil' hucker
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Bump again.


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Mon Jan 15, 2018 12:28 am 
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big hucker

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Like they say "the older the bull, the stiffer the horn". 8-)

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Tue Mar 13, 2018 11:53 am 
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friendly kitty
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http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/soci ... 0312145785

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Wed Mar 14, 2018 3:44 pm 
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lil' hucker
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Lol ^


A guy walks into a bar and sees a huge glass jar full of 20's and 100's sitting on the corner of the bar. He points at the jar and says to the bartender, "What's up with the jar full of money? There must be $2000 in there!" The bartender says "More like $10,000. It's part of a contest. You put $100 in the jar to enter and you can win it all if you can complete 3 tasks." "What are the tasks?" says the man, intrigued. "Well, first you have to drink this entire bottle of jabanero tequila in one hour. Then you have to go out back where my pit bull Killer is chained up. He has a bad tooth that needs pulled. Pull the tooth. For the third task, you have to go upstairs and sexually satisfy my 89 year old granny who hasn't been satisfied in 20 years since grandpa died." The man laughs and says no thanks and takes his beer back to a table.

Six beers later the man is staring at the jar of cash and then jumps up and goes up to the bar and slaps a $100 bill on the table and says "Gimmie that tequila bottle!" He goes back to his table and takes a long chug. Gasping in pain he forces another chug down, sweat pouring out of his pores. Gradually over the next 40 minutes or so he finishes the bottle and staggers up to the bar panting, trying to cool off his burning mouth. The bartender, mildly impressed, points to the back door.

The man lurches to the door and the growling and loud barking commences. Then the man yells in pain, more barking, growling, screams, tearing noises then finally whelping noises from the dog.

The man stumbles back into the bar, clothes shredded, blood oozing from his arms and legs and says "Ok, where's that granny with the bad tooth?"


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Thu Mar 15, 2018 1:58 pm 
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big hucker

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Good one. :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Apr 21, 2018 1:36 am 
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lil' hucker
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I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.

Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."

He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"

I said, "No, she's a fucking optician."


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